comin back to blog after so long and i realise maybe it is time to be left alone to think and reflect. after all so many things happened in tis few months and soon to be, the new year will come.

right now i am nt too sure how i shld be feeling and i am still a little upset. to end a friendship of a few years and to treat it as nth has happened isnt easy or shld i say hurt terribly. i cant resist myself to wan to check out how they hv been doin because deep down i do care. but i noe i nv regretted what i hv done because it was what i noe i had to do. it wasnt because i hv changed but it was way too over my limit tt i can bear. but if it is not wat u all can accept from me then it hv to end here. i can no longer pretend its ok and tried to cope with it, i cant lie to myself anymore. things wasnt ok, and if we didnt fix it, it will never be alright. i don noe how culd u 2 nt see it tt way, but i guess nothing matters now. all of these belong to the past, became our history and we all have to move on. i wanted to drop it and bury it so we can end thing on the nice note on the account tt we were once good friends and even if thing shld end, they shld b ending with peacefully manner. but reality is alway cruel, i tried my best to be nice still yet i receive only a hostility reply from you. i am greatly disappointed and i figure it out tt maybe tis is how our much our friendship worth in my eye and ur eye. there is a difference in the value and sadly to say, maybe i didnt matter in this friendship. i was me all along tryin too hard.

friends come and go. i never though this day wuld come so fast for the 3 of us and things have to end in such a way. i dont hated you all, to be truthfully, i am startin to feel numb abt it. after the crying stop, the pain and hurt linger awhile, then came the upset and disappointment part. soon aft, i culd nt feel anything else. my mind is in a blank. my heart desperately lookin for a feelin and the only thing i culd feel is tears fillin my eye. it is a kind of emotions tt i cant explain in words. maybe tt is wat ppl go thru when they experience a heartbreak over breakup ?
i don noe.

i noe i hv to get over it asap. i cant b feelin injured all the times and throwin all my temper and mixed up feeling to all my other friends. it is not fair to them. it wasnt even the right thing to do. i am so sorry tt i misbehave and went alittle unreasonable recently. i shld hv better ctrl over my emotions, feeling and actions but i cant stop myself acting in tt way to wan to annoy all of u. tt is when you didnt properly handle what has happened and it is affectin what is happenin right now. i am still tryin very hard to cope with it but i promise i will do better. a failed friendship is the end of the world yet isnt it ? i sincerely apologise to all of my friends in one way or another that has involved in this mess.

after so long, i still culdnt figure what i wan and achieve in my life. but worst of all, i lost a impt friendship and a heaps lot of time. my life is very simple now, i didnt wan anything else. but why cant everyone understand tt ? why must we follow the standard procedures ? why must everyone try to be like everyone else ? i don understand tt. who decided that goin to work or goin to uni is the better choice or the right thing to do ? but tt is how the society work isnt it ? no one really care abt what you feel and do but expect u to follow what the majority are doin and goin. is it even right for us to live our life tt way ? we lived because we have to create our own life not because we are born to follow other life. if we are born to follow, then maybe god wuld nt have created so many humans - they do the thing the same way and feel the way so what for ?

i really want to fly and make good use of my diploma but i realise tt sometime tryin very hard to achieve what you wan and workin toward that goal is not an simple task. or shld i say, it like a fairytale which never came thru. i really tried my best and i really want it. but it seem the more i want, the harder i tried, i fall even harder. time is nt on my side and lady luck seem to be abit too far frm me. i want to noe what is wrong too. shi wo bu guo nu li ma ? wo jiu zhu ding yao zhe yang ke lian ma ? wo bu gan xin. wo bu xiang fang qi. ke shi dao le zhe ge di bu, wo hao xiang ye men you xuan zhe de yu di le bu shi ma ?

how ? can someone provide me with an insight or give me a answer ?

i care but u didnt bother so i guess e issue is with me ..

if u can treat my care and concern as nth thn mayb e u dnt deserved it at all .. i just wan to find out if u are ok but it seem like it is just a waste of effort .. u didnt appreciated it and u simply didnt care .. whatever reasons it is .. i hv enuf .. i seem to fully understand how everything works now .. by being nice to ppl didnt mean tt ppl will be nice at u too .. and so much for being my friends ..

i am nt goin to come str to ur face to demand for an answer because it is simply pointless .. i knw hw much e value of our friendship are .. easy come and easy go .. no hard feelin abt it ..

Friend?? -they cant be bothered so why do i ?

if i hv to get by my days alone thn so be it coz nth hurt more than puttin effort in someone else and realisin it is all for nth ..

do whatever u all wan ... be how u wan to be .. it nt my issue anyway ..

from nw on .. whatever u say or done .. i will only acknowledge with a smile or do nth at all .. its nt my problem so i cant be bothered too ..

dont come look for me if u hv problem .. no point updatin me abt ur life .. i will only pretend to be listening .. tis is wat u taught me in tis friendship dont u ?

friend may be impt but they are the ones tt make ur life so miserable thn maybe they anit as impt as they seem to be .. some ppl just dont deserved it ..

nice girl is nice to everybody but nv to herself ... i am learnin to do e opposite ..

being nice to other is the worst u can ever be to urself ..

thru a series of events .. i realise tt maybe we shld just depend on ourselves .. it work better and hurt less ..

i guess i just nid some time alone .. or maybe i nid to be alone ..

if ppl dont realli care why shld u be bothered ?

i guess i hv enuf of all the drama and pretences .. friends with benefits ? "friends" ? or whatever it is .. i dont have room for fair-weather friends coz it is always raining and stormin on my side ..

so after tryin u realise tt if thing still doesnt happen e way u wan it to be .. thn hw ?

lock urself up in the room and cry ? or move on ?

dream vs reality .. we all noe that dream are hard to achieve .. but how many times do we tries before we shld give up ? sometime life just don give you the luxury of time or opportunity to keep on goin at it .. human factor .. personal factor .. environment factor .. all hv a part to play and everytime u failed to achieve what u set out to achieve .. u realise tt are more obstacles put into ur way .. e fear of failure .. the lose of confident and u start to doubt urself and ur so-called dream ..

nt everyone has the courage and faith to pick themselves up after every failure and maybe it works for e 1st few times but after e many tries would u still stand up strong and try to work at it again ?

to wait for another 2 months or so .. wat if history repeat itself ? i had another failed attempt .. hw culd i convince myself tt i culd still make it ? i am startin to lose faith and belief in myself and i am nt sure how i shld be dealin with it .. as much as i wan it .. there is nth i culd do abt it ..

growin up sux .. coz i realise i hvnt made any right decision since then .. wrong choice .. wrong decision .. wrong ppl to believe in .. everything has gone all wrong and my life is just on the wrong track .. i simply cant hated myself more thn hw much i do now .. i always tot i culd handle but nw it seem tt everything just wan to oppose it ..

fair ? how fair shld life is ? nobody ever promise tt or can guarantee tt the effort u put in and e hard work u made will be equal to ur result . ironically .. there maynt even hv a result for it .. u may slog ur gut out ur whole life and yet u may nv get to where u wan to be .. was it become u aim to high or thing just don work out for u ..

dream and goal dont work and they are just there for show .. something fanciful but evil .. put them into a box and stuff them into a corner .. without them maybe life culd be a little happier .. and in worst case .. it remains e same as it is right nw ..

a long long time since i last blog and there is alot of things happening recently..

i guess i realli nid to sit dwn and reflect thru it throughly ..

if there is a dream or goal u realli wan .. what wuld u do abt it ?

success come after failure but how do u noe that u will succeed tis time ?

but without trying there is only failure ... but what if after tryin it is still a failure ..

how to deal with it ?

move on or stick to it ?

secretly deep dwn i wish for it .. i wanted it .. but i am scared to face e failing result ..

knowing tt u wan something but culd nv get it is a torture .. a regret u hv to live forever with ..

i nid more luck .. i nid to believe in myself once again .. i am at my last attempt .. as much as i wan to try it over and over again .. time doesnt allow for it .. circumstance doesnt allow for it ..

win it all or lose it all .. a major gamble .. a big risk ..

i just hv to do it ..

nothing is impossible - just do it !

be positive because good thing follows =)

life is short .. enjoy and have fun !!

u cant contrl what ppl feel and say but u can manage how u feel and think .. if u always care too much abt what other says abt u .. u lost urself and live a empty life .. its ur life .. live it the way u wan it to .. be ur own responsibility <3

seriously i am tired of those apathetic friends .. if u don care y should i ?

if u have enuf of our friendship and want to leave .. feel free to and rmb close e door after u ..

some friend make u realise how much u worth and some friends just don care abt hw much u worth because they simply just wan to u worthy ...

i am grateful i see thru some faces and after sortin and filterin i may nt left with much friends .. but those left behind are like gold .. hidden into e sand but truly worthy and precious ..

thanks cailing and tracy and the few other out there .. u noe hu u are .. <3

Can't believe that I'm the fool again
And I who thought you were my friend,
How was I to know?
You never told me.

trust is a special thing that once broken, it can never be mend to wat it used to be. i m at a lost of wat to do and hurt & disappointment are wat tt is left within me ..

I GIVE UP. Seriously.

when i decided to b nice for once .. i realise tt it wasnt worth my effort ..

when i decided to go out .. it started raining nonstop ..

whenever i decided something .. it seem that nothing came out of it ..

what a great world .. it just kept opposing me ..

i decided tis yr would be a great yr .. but i broke e wine glass just mins after e yr hv started ..

with book over due .. job offer with low pay and whatever whatnot ..

what a good year ahead ..

such irony ..